Letter to Logan – June 2018

by Darcie

Logan,

Like virtually any month of anyone’s life, June was filled with ups and down for both of us individually and as a couple. This is not an indictment of you or our relationship, but rather a truth for every relationship on the planet, if they are being honest. I may not be romantic to start the letter this way, but for me, it means everything to admit that we are not perfect, our relationship is not perfect, because despite these imperfections, I still want to be with you.

I’ve been in relationships where it seems best to brush questions or issues under the rug. I was afraid to know the answers to my questions or afraid that the answers wouldn’t satisfy me. I was afraid he would shut down and then I would retreat, sorry I had said anything.

But it’s not like that with you. At. All. You are open, receptive, unafraid of conflict, willing to listen, never defensive, and committed to make me feel heard and understood.

It’s easy not only to imagine a future with you, but to discuss it with you. When we feel scared about marriage or kids, we are able to share that with each other and validate that fear. This, too, is new for me.

They say timing is everything in relationships. And I believe that’s true for us. Despite our four-year age difference, we are at very similar places in our lives. In our careers. In our desires for marriage. In our emotional development. When considering all of these factors, it seems nearly impossible to find someone where all of these things match up. Yet, for us, they do.

Since this is a place where we are vulnerable, I want to acknowledge that we had some difficult conversations last weekend. We talked about substance use, religion and how we want to raise our children, business worries, and how terrifying uncertainty is. I get why people shy away from these conversations; they are hard. When two lives come together, there are going to be disagreements and different perspectives. It would be easy to delude ourselves into believing that we agree on everything, but of course that would be a lie. It’s harder to have these conversations, but they pave the way for a stronger emotional connection and a firmer foundation of trust.

When Monday came and our weekend together was over, I struggled. It was one of the toughest weeks I’d had in a long time. There were tears, a lot of them. And I wished that I could have seen you and felt the comfort that comes from being in your arms and having your words uplift me. It was a darker week without having seen you.

Now we are together again this weekend, and I feel emotional thinking about how much I enjoy being around you. You make me feel like I am the only thing you see. I can’t count the number of times you’ve told me I’m beautiful first thing in the morning, at a time when most girls feel their least attractive, bare-faced and barely awake. I love how you scratch my back at the most random times, like when I’m cleaning the kitchen. Those little gestures mean the world to me.

During the middle of June, you stayed with me for a week. I didn’t sleep as well with Piper there, waking us up at 5 a.m., but once you left, there was a void. I would take less sleep to wake up with you any day.

My favorite moments that week were the mornings when we sat on the couch and talked over coffee. I never want those conversations to end, both in the moment and the occurrence of them in the future. I want to look back on this letter years from now, when we are married with children and are running businesses, and be proud of us for still taking the time to connect with each other. Because that’s what this life is about, and that’s what you and I do best.

Our conversations are a natural mood-booster, a dopamine high, and though I know that these early-relationship feelings of love will fade, I believe that our love will continue to grow and bloom even as it changes shape.

I love you.

Darcie

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