I’m no stranger to evolving, and yet it’s still hard for me.
This month was the first in a long time that I haven’t posted regularly. Earlier this year, I set a goal for myself to post three times a week, and I’ve held myself to that.
This month was different, though. Logan and I visited his family in Indiana, and I didn’t have content ready to go ahead of time and knew I wouldn’t have time to create there.
I really value consistency and reliability, not only for anyone who is reading this but also with myself. When I do something, I’m all in, and when I say I’m going to do something, I do it.
But, surprisingly, I was okay with not posting for that week. I considered it a break that I didn’t know I needed. I leaned into the reprieve, and I actually enjoyed it.
But when I returned to San Diego the following Monday, I had no content for that week either. And that got me thinking: If I’m not consistent with writing on this space, is it worth it?
All or Nothing Thinking
This is an example of “all or nothing” thinking, also known as “black and white” thinking. Indulge the therapist in me for a moment as I explain what this is (or skip this part haha). In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, all or nothing thinking falls into the category of “cognitive distortions” which is when our brain tricks us into believing something that really isn’t true. There are many kinds of cognitive distortions, and we all do them to some degree.
All or nothing or black and white thinking means that we fail to see the gray area. Here’s an example: “If I don’t post here three days a week, then we should delete the blog.”
I know this is an extreme way to think, but I get caught up in this way of thinking a lot. If I’m not all in, then I shouldn’t do it at all. I do it with Logan too. I get frustrated with him when he doesn’t meet deadlines we set for posting on the blog which leads to my questioning whether it’s worth it.
That’s what happened earlier this month. I started to question whether it was okay to post less often, what that would say about my commitment myself and to any readers out there who stop by often and want new content.
If that wasn’t enough, then I started questioning how much time I should (which is a tricky word) be devoting to this space. I love to write, but was I letting it interfere with others things in my life – developing my career as a therapist, spending time with friends, reading, exploring San Diego, and being outside, etc? How much did/do I feel comfortable spending here? And at what point does a creative outlet because an obligation?
It is so hard to balance all the things, isn’t it? There’s truly no such thing as a perfect balance, and yet I seemed to be upset with myself that I hadn’t perfected the art of balance.
Evolving Doesn’t Mean Giving Up
If you’ve been following our blog for some time, you know that I made a career shift from an attorney to a writer and therapist. That evolution took time. I took a break from law for two years and did some freelance writing, and then went back to grad school to become a therapist.
I don’t think I failed at being an attorney; I pivoted. I realized that I wasn’t fulfilled and couldn’t make a pivot work with that degree.
So I took the space to consider options. I focused on the joy that writing brought me (and still brings me).
Then I shifted and evolved again. I kept writing close to me, but also added in grad school for marriage and family therapy.
That pivot involved much fear and anxiety. Leaning into that experience was one of the most difficult choices in my life and is one of my greatest accomplishments.
Becoming a therapist is a choice I’m proud of, but I longed to write more. So I (along with Logan) started this blog. Another evolution.
In the past year, I’ve personally evolved so much, and as a result, this blog has as well – with different designs and topics and frequency in posting. While it’s been happening all along, it’s still something I struggle with. I seem to come back to what these changes will say about me – mainly that I failed or I’m not trying hard enough or I should be able to do all the things.
I posted on Instagram the other day that I’m in a season of unknown, and I was working on a blog about it. I’m finally getting my thoughts together on this topic and sharing that, more than ever, I’m leaning into the evolution process. I’m not here with answers or lessons learned, but to say that it’s okay to be unsure where your life is going.
I don’t want to let my fear of perceived failure or feelings of not being good enough to hold me back from evolving, shifting, and redefining myself. I want to be more okay with igniting or discovering new or dormant interests and passions and chasing after new dreams.
I don’t know how I – and this site – will continue to evolve. But I know it will happen. And I’m here for it.
Featured photo by Lexi Hope Photography