In less than three weeks, I’ll be marrying Logan. If you’re thinking, wait, aren’t you getting married in Bali in October? Let me explain.
All along we planned to have our wedding in Bali and still are. But, once we learned of the list of requirements to have our marriage abroad recognized here in the U.S., we decided to have a legal ceremony in San Diego to avoid the hassle. Only my parents, aunt, and cousin will be in attendance, and we’ll have a simple dinner afterwards to celebrate. The big party and celebration will be on October 10 in Bali.
Despite the lack of hoopla surrounding the legal ceremony, August 31 is undeniably significant since that is the day we will be legally married.
With that date coming up so quickly, I decided to write this blog to create the intentional space for me to pause and reflect on what I’m thinking and feel about getting married.
While every single one of our blog posts is personal, this one feels particularly so. In writing this, I will do my very best to share my real and honest thoughts.
Let’s get into it.
I’ll start by stating the obvious: Marriage is a big deal, and I’m both scared and excited about it. If I weren’t both, I think something might either be wrong in the relationship or I’m not being entirely honest with myself.
Agreeing to marry Logan was not a decision I took lightly. I remember many conversations with my mom about whether or not Logan was “the one.” I wasn’t focusing all the best parts of our relationships (of which there were many), but rather going over ways we might not be the best fit with a fine tooth comb.
For better or worse (and at times it was both), words my mom once said to me were ingrained in my head: forever is a long time.
I know how seriously my parents have taken their wedding vows. They’ve had their share of struggles in their marriage, and to be honest, hearing bits of their challenges scared me.
When it came to my relationship with Logan, I wasn’t looking for ways the relationship might fail because I wanted it to fail, but I was looking for some kind of assurance that we would last.
Well, spoiler alert, I never got that assurance and never will. Because, of course, assurance that a marriage will last forever doesn’t exist. We can’t predict what the future holds. All we can do is to pause, reflect, consider our values and feedback from of trusted friends and family, and use our best judgment. That’s it.
At some point, I had to let go of the need for assurance and look at the evidence in front of me. The longer Logan and I were together, the more I could see the ways we were a great fit instead of the ways we weren’t. The more we faced challenges together and dealt with them together, the more I realized that we could face future ones. The more we disagreed, the more I could see that Logan doesn’t run from it but turns to me to work through it.
We aren’t perfect, and our relationship isn’t either. But when I looked at the evidence objectively (as much as I can when this is entirely subjective), I saw that Logan was about as perfect a fit for me as I could imagine. (And he passed my test of how to determine if someone is “the one.”)
What Scares Me about Marriage
All of this doesn’t mean that I’m going into marriage without any fears. I still have fears about creating a family with Logan because it means leaving behind the family I have with my parents.
I’m very fortunate to have supportive and loving parents. While I know that they’ll still be huge parts of my (our) life, it’s going to be different. It’s no longer me and them, it’s me and Logan and then them.
Throughout my life, they have provided a safe cocoon for me. While I will still have their support, they won’t be the first people I turn to. That’s scary because I’ve come to know that I can rely on them for anything and have benefited from the security they provide.
I’m also nervous about having children. I have always (and I mean always) wanted to be a mother, but as I’ve gotten older, the urge has been less on my heart. Logan and I do want children, but I have my worries about how a child will impact my relationship with Logan.
I wrote very openly about this fear in a fairly recent Instagram post and shared that despite my fear, I’m not planning to run from it but towards it. Logan and I don’t have a specific timeline for when we will start trying to have a baby, but it’s definitely something that I’m anticipating with a bit of trepidation (and excitement of course).
Finally I’m nervous about money. Money is the number one thing couples fight about. My dad is a financial adviser so I was raised to be financially responsible and how I handle money is something I’m proud of. Last weekend Logan and I sat down with my dad and created a plan for our financial future, which alleviates some of my concerns. I’ve found that talking about the things that scare me reduces distress. Still, it’s scary to create a new partnership when I grew up in such a stable home. I believe that Logan and I share similar views on money which will help us tremendously, but statistics are still scary!
What Excites Me about Marriage
All of the things I’m nervous about are overshadowed by the things I’m excited about. Here are some bullet points of things that excite me about marriage.
- Having children with Logan: as much as I’m nervous about how this will impact our relationship, I’m really excited to (hopefully) create and raise a child together. I know Logan will be a great dad, and it’ll be so fun to watch.
- Living with my best friend: Logan and I chose not to live together before we get married. I can’t wait to come home to him each night and wake up next to him in the morning.
- Having someone to rely on and who relies on me: as a human, it feels good to be needed and to know that I have Logan beside me to support me through the hard times.
- Having someone who truly understands me: for only knowing each other a little less than two years, it’s incredible to me how well we know each other. Logan gets me better than I ever could have imagined, and it makes my heart so happy to feel completely accepted for who I am.
My Hopes for Marriage
- I hope that we keep God close to us.
- I hope that we prioritize our relationship.
- I hope that we seek adventure.
- I hope that we lean on each other when we face struggles.
- I hope that we share joys and sorrows.
- I hope that we support and accept each other.
- I hope that we evolve together.
- I hope that we respect each other even when we disagree.
- I hope that we choose kindness over criticism.
It’s been a journey to find Logan, and I’m so grateful to have him in my life. While life will certainly throw curve balls at us, I believe in our love and commitment as well as our awareness that we need to continue to prioritize and choose each other in order for our marriage to last a lifetime.
Logan, I can’t wait to marry you in less than 3 weeks! I love you.
Featured image by Lexi Hope Photography